


Sweater Weather

by Archangel Raphael (tsuduku)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale loses his shit, BAMF Aziraphale (Good Omens), BAMF Crowley (Good Omens), Good Parent Aziraphale (Good Omens), Good Parent Crowley (Good Omens), Halloween, Kid Fic, M/M, Protective Aziraphale (Good Omens), Protective Crowley (Good Omens), Proud Fathers, Snake Crowley (Good Omens), Tooth-Rotting Fluff, behold the holy power of the gaurdian of the eastern gate, behold the power of the serpent of eden, crowley loses his shit too, no beta we saunter vaguely downwards, snabies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 16:48:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20933498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsuduku/pseuds/Archangel%20Raphael
Summary: 2 weeks after their accidental hatching, Aziraphale discovers the first few challenges of parenthood as he is tasked with keeping his cold blooded children warm against the autumn chill, and defend them from rude customers, all while keeping their curious little minds entertained.





	1. Knitting

**Author's Note:**

> wiggleverse has brought me so much serotonin and fluff at a rough patch in my life. So I decided to chip into the little collection of joy now that I feel a bit better. Thanks to everyone who has contributed to this little pocket of fics, and thanks to Kedreeva for creating this sandbox for us to play in.

It was a crisp October afternoon in Soho, and a particular bookshop was suddenly alarmed by the shrill screams of terror coming from a blonde woman in her mid 50s. 

“Madam please calm down!” Aziraphale rushed over to the shrieking woman with his arms outstretched towards her as if he was approaching a frightened woodland creature. 

“There are  **SNAKES ** in your shop! How could you possibly expect me to calm down!” replied the woman rather indignantly. 

“Oh yes, those are the children. We’re quite proud parents!” Aziraphale beamed “Never fear, they’re merely babies still. Only hatched two weeks ago so they are perfectly harmless!” 

The woman scoffed “I know it’s October but people have begun taking this Halloween thing too far! Bloody American media influence. You will have none of my patronage until you get rid of these filthy creatures!” 

Unbeknownst to the woman, she was dealing with the former angelic guardian of the eastern gate of Eden. Despite his soft demeanor he was still made to be a soldier who could strike the fear of God into anyone when necessary, and she had just insulted his children. 

The temperature in the bookshop unexpectedly dropped by a few degrees, and the woman could almost swear that there was a sudden dark and intimidating aura around the blonde bookkeeper that made her tremble like an autumn leaf. 

“Well I’ll have you know  _ ma'am,”  _ Aziraphale spat the formality as if it were a vile hex “They are perfectly hygienic creatures! And  _ all _ living creatures are made from God’s grace! This bookshop has been positively thriving since 1880 and will continue to do so  _ without  _ your rude  _ patronage.  _ So would you  _ kindly  _ exit the premises? Or would you rather I show you out?” 

The woman stood there a moment, frozen. She did not expect such a strong reaction from something as silly (in her opinion) as saying snakes were not pleasant creatures. She especially did not expect this gentle looking bookish man to suddenly become so imposing and intimidating. He managed to make the latter sound like an absolutely violent threat, despite no mention of violence or force being verbalized. She gave an arrogant huff and began to march towards the exit with her head held high to try and not let on that she was in fact quite afraid. Aziraphale followed behind just to make sure the woman left, and possibly to intimidate her a tiny bit more, just in case. 

“And stay out!” He yelled from the bookshop door as he watched the woman walk away.

Aziraphale took a deep breath to calm himself down and the atmosphere in the bookshop returned to normal. He quickly made his way over to the snake habitat and he pressed his nose against the glass. The small snakes quickly slithered their way towards Aziraphale’s face, looking up at him with adoring eyes of blue and gold. 

“Now children, if you heard anything that rude woman said, disregard it entirely. You are absolutely lovely little creatures, and I will always defend you. Do you hear me?” 

_ Yes Azirafather!  _

Aziraphale could unfortunately not hear them, but he did hear a few little hisses and took that as a sound of approval. He blew a kiss towards the little snakelets before returning to his duties of persuading customers to not buy books. 

-

Come closing time Aziraphale returned to the snake habitat to check up on his slithery children, only to find them all huddled together under a light, half concealed in the moss. 

_ Azirafather we’re cold!  _

“Are you all getting along well darlings? You look quite cozy.” he said with a smile, and he reached a hand into the enclosure to gently brush his fingers over the snakelets. Their tiny scales were cool and smooth to the touch. 

Suddenly he felt a little aura of worry as he brushed his fingers over the children a second time. 

“Oh dear. Are you cold little ones?” 

Of course! That’s why they were all huddled together! Aziraphale didn’t know why this hadn’t occurred to him sooner when the temperatures outside were dropping and he was slipping himself into warmer clothing. It’s only natural that his cold blooded offspring would be feeling the same if not colder. 

“You poor things! I’m so sorry dear children, I haven’t been anticipating your needs properly. Oh do hold tight. I’ll run to the pet shop to get you all a few things to keep you warm.” 

Aziraphale quickly went to fetch his coat and out he went. Both he and Crowley had agreed to lay off on small unnecessary miracles just in case too many frivolous miracles alerted the powers that be to come and check in on them. While that seemed a bit unlikely, it was just a precaution, Aziraphale now had a little family to think of. He certainly couldn’t have Gabriel snooping in only to find that he had  _ offspring  _ with the enemy. 

The air outside was quite chilly, hinting at a rather cold winter to come. He would need to be prepared if he was to keep the children safe and warm. Splashes of orange, black, and purple decorated the neighborhood as most of the shops put out kitschy Halloween decor to attract crowds of young customers. Aziraphale suddenly remembered the words of the rude woman who had stepped into the shop earlier. 

_ “I know it’s October but people have begun taking this Halloween thing too far!” _

This gave him an idea. 

-

Aziraphale returned to the shop with his hands full of items from the evening’s haul. 

“I’ve returned dear children! Oh I do hope you haven’t suffered too much.” 

He set the shopping bags down on the floor beside the enclosure, reaching in one of them to pull out a ceramic light bulb and a stand. He plugged the device into an outlet on the wall and then placed the ceramic bulb over the enclosure. 

“There you are little ones! The lovely lad at the pet shop told me this should keep you all warm and cozy during the colder seasons.” 

The snakelets soon felt the heat radiating from the ceramic bulb and they wiggled their way closer to it. Within a few minutes they were no longer huddled up in a pile and they seemed to finally relax into the moss. 

_ Thank you Azirafather!  _

_ This feels so nice!  _

_ Aaaah now I can finally have some alone time. _

Aziraphale smiled to himself, content now that the children seemed to be at ease. He picked up the remainder of the bagged items and went off into his cozy back room to get to work. 

-

Crowley returned to the bookshop after a day full of spreading envy per request from downstairs. They hadn’t  _ forced  _ him or even demanded that he continue with some minor demonic work, but since the snakelets hatched Crowley decided to comply just to keep the powers that be away from his accidental family. As soon as he stepped into the bookshop he could hear the excited hisses and hyper chatter from the little ones. 

“What’s going on?” he asked as he approached the habitat. 

_ Father! _

All 5 little ribbons of mischief wiggled their way up to the glass of the enclosure to greet their accidental father. 

“Hullo spawn,” Crowley still hadn’t gotten used to his new title. 

_ Look what Azirafather is making for us! _

Crowley couldn’t believe his eyes. He even went so far as to take off his sunglasses and press his face against the glass for a better look. So far, two of the five snakelets was wrapped in a long knitted sleeve. One was pastel pink and the other was a soft shade of mint green. 

“What the? Are those  _ sweaters?”  _ Crowley blinked in surprise. 

“Oh Crowley! You’ve returned!” Aziraphale had heard the familiar voice and peeked out from his back room, knitting needles in hand. “So sorry I didn’t greet you sooner dearest. I was quite concentrated on my work.” He said, proudly lifting up the half knitted snake sweater. This one was a bright lavender shade. “Do you like it?” 

“You’re… knitting… sweaters… for the children?” Crowley was still a bit dumbfounded

“Yes of course!” replied Aziraphale quite matter of factly “The poor darlings were getting quite cold. So I went and bought them a few things to last until spring comes. They have a little ceramic heater and I thought they might want a sweater so they can be like us.” 

Crowley’s face heated up to a shade of bright red and tears began to stream from his golden irises as if someone had turned on a faucet in his eyes. He quickly buried his face in his hands out of embarrassment. 

“Crowley!” Aziraphale dropped the half finished sweater and knitting needles in shock and he ran over to put his hands on his lover’s shoulders. “Crowley dearest, why are you crying?” 

Crowley tried to turn himself away from Aziraphale out of shame. He couldn’t seem to form any words between his sobs and this worried the little ones. 

_ Father what’s wrong? _

_ Why are you crying Father? _

_ Please answer! _

“Th-th-they..” Crowley choked out “...they… ha-ve.. tiny... sweaters!” he burst into sobs again 

“Oh? Should I not have made that for them? Is something wrong?” Aziraphale began to panic now. 

“NO!” Crowley finally snapped “It’s too! It’s too c-! C-c-c _ ute!”  _

Aziraphale gave a sigh of relief and simply chuckled. 

“Oh my dear boy! You’re absolutely overwhelmed!” he pulled Crowley into a hug and gently pecked his cheek. 

“Don’t rub it in!” yelled Crowley as he wiped away fatherly tears of love. 

“Alright then I won’t.” said Aziraphale, giving Crowley another loving kiss on the cheek before letting go and picking up his knitting needles again. “Why don’t you stay by the children while I finish their sweaters? They’ve missed you.” 

Crowley merely nodded in agreement before settling down on the cushy armchair beside the snakelet habitat. 

_ We saw some weird customers today father!  _

“Oh did you now?” responded Crowley, blinking away the last of the tears. 

_ Father, what does filthy mean? _

“Uh well, it means dirty. Where did you hear that word?” asked Crowley “Were you little rascals making a mess today? Giving Azirafather some trouble I see.” 

Crowley grinned a little to himself. Surely he didn’t want the children troubling Aziraphale, but he couldn’t help but feel a twinge of demonic pride as his offspring seemed to already be spreading little bouts of chaos. 

_ Someone said we were filthy but Azirafather told them off.  _

Whatever bits of pride Crowley had were instantly replaced with rage now that he knew some rude stranger was off comparing his beloved accidental spawn to anything but the angelic sweet little things that they were. 


	2. Big Spooky Fan, Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley finds out about the unpleasant human that dared to insult his spawn. Nobody messes with a new father, especially not when said father happens to be a demon that successfully faced off with the powers that be, and lived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen.... snakes are my life. I adore them and cannot wait to be an old lady with a bunch of pet snakes baking satan cookies for all the neighborhood kiddies. Village witch in the making here.

The following day the shop was bustling with activity. A whole hoard of potential customers had stormed in by the afternoon, much to Aziraphale’s dismay. The reason for this was the all new decor, which Aziraphale had hoped would amuse the children and simultaneously keep people away from his shop. However, it had quite the opposite effect instead. With a bit of demonic intervention from Crowley, and a hefty haul from local shops, the antique bookshop had transformed into a horror fanatic paradise. 

However, the center of attention was the snakelet habitat towards the back. Eager youth came around to catch a glimpse of the five children in their little pastel sweaters playing around the habitat with their new toys. Each one sported a uniquely colored sweater knitted with angelic love from their father. The new additions to the habitat were greatly welcomed by the curious snakelets, and they spent the day gleefully slithering in and out of jack o lanterns, plastic skulls, and small cauldrons. 

Crowley spent most of the day keeping watch over the snakelets, in case any other rude passers by dared insult his beloved spawn. Meanwhile Aziraphale spent his day running about the bookshop trying to keep away nosy teenagers who had come to see the so called haunted bookshop filled with faux cobwebs, jack o lanterns, various faux bones, and an indescribably creepy aura that did indeed have some people bolting for the exit. 

“I assure you dear boys that you will find no such thing as ghosts in my shop!” Aziraphale was directing his attention to a group of 3 teenage boys who had been wandering the darkest corners of his shop with their smartphones on high alert in hopes of seeing ghosts. At the very least, they were capturing some interesting photos and video clips of the shop’s authentically frightening decor to be plastered all across social media, pulling in even more young folks with morbid curiosities. 

“I heard this place has been here for over a century now!” said one of the boys. 

“It’s bound to have lots of ghosts in it.” replied another 

“Boys I mean it. No one has passed away in this bookshop and it was not built over any ancient burial ground.” Aziraphale said firmly, trying to deter the boys from their supernatural mission. 

“I heard there were snakes in here too!” said the third boy

“Ah yes well that part is true.” replied Aziraphale “They’re in their habitat towards the back with my dear Crowley. They have attracted quite a bit of unexpected attention all of a sudden. You can go take a picture of those if you’d like.” 

The three teenage boys all look at each other with excitement and then eagerly scurry off in search of the snakes. Aziraphale gives out a sigh of relief before walking over to try and rid the shop of a few more people. At least he was happy they were coming in to see his adorable children and not to try and buy any of his books. 

Crowley proudly stood guard by the snakelet habitat, ensuring that none of the curious visitors would harm his little spawn. So far, people seemed to be just as enchanted by the snakelets as he and Aziraphale were, and Crowley couldn’t be a prouder father. The snakelets had even done their part in scaring off a few of the more squirmish guests. The only downside to this was the  _ noise.  _ All the incoming visitors were understandably freaking out over the cuteness overload that was small snakes in pastel knitted sweaters playing around on Halloween decor. Meanwhile the snakelets were hissing away in excitement, enjoying their new toys, soft sweaters, and the attention of strangers. 

“Alright kids,” said Crowley “make sure to pose for the cameras. You’ll go viral on instagram if we get lucky.” 

_ Yes father!  _

_ Do I look good like this?  _

_ What’s an instagram?  _

_ I want to be at the front! _

_ No! I do! _

Crowley beamed with pride, flashing a rare smile for the smartphone cameras that were busy clicking away, trying to capture the perfect photo of the haunted bookshop snakes and their keeper. 

“Are you Mr. Crowley?” said one of the teenage boys that Aziraphale had pushed away to go look at the snakelets. 

“I am.” replied Crowley 

“Can we see the snakes?” asked the other boy from just behind the first. 

Crowley smiled wide again, a kind smile with a touch of something inexplicably evil that made the boys shudder a bit. He stepped to the side, allowing the habitat to be in full view, and the trio of teenage boys joined the ‘ooh’s and ‘aah’s of the small crowd that had gathered. 

“This is so spooky!” said a goth girl with purple hair as she inspected the creepy cute photos she had just snapped of two snakelets in sweaters slithering out of the eye sockets of a faux skull covered in moss. 

“I like spooky,” Crowley told the girl “Big spooky fan, me.” 

“I’m gonna quote you on that.” responded the girl with a laugh, and she walked away. 

All was well throughout the day, although Aziraphale was more than a bit overwhelmed by the influx of people in his shop, but he wouldn’t admit that to Crowley and the kids. All was well until an unfortunately familiar face walked in with a police officer trailing behind. It was the same blonde rude elder woman from the day before. She marched straight to the back of the bookshop where the snakelets were playing around in their habitat, her head held high with pride. 

“Right over there!” said the woman, pointing at the snakelet habitat, and the small crowd that had gathered suddenly stopped taking pictures and recording video clips of the snakes to turn their attention to the woman and the officer that had just walked in. 

“That’s where they’re holding those hideous creatures on display like any old Halloween decorations. Monstrous things shouldn’t be allowed in a public space such as this! There are clearly minors present!” 

Crowley, of course, did not take this blatant insult to his young, lightly. He could feel the hellfire rise within him, coursing through his human vessel, making it hot with pure demonic anger. He was about to tell the woman off when he heard a familiar little hiss. 

_ That was the woman from yesterday, father! The one who said we were filthy! _

Crowley had guessed as much right from the start, but hearing his spawn confirm that this was the person who mistreated his freshly hatched offspring only made his anger boil beneath his skin, venom rising into his mouth. 

“Don’t worry spawn,” Crowley said, turning to the snakelets first “Your father will take care of this once and for all. Watch and learn.” 

Suddenly, the already mysteriously creepy aura in the bookshop was intensified, sending out all the potential customers and curious snake fanatics, and causing Aziraphale to quickly run over to the source of such malice. Much to his surprise, when Aziraphale reached the snakelet habitat he saw the woman he threw out yesterday, a frightened and confused police officer, and Crowley standing opposite the two in a threatening pose, much like an angry venomous cobra in the wild, ready to strike. The four of them were now the only ones present in the bookshop.

“What in heaven’s name is going on back here? Oh! Oh no, not you again.” Aziraphale crossed his arms in front of his chest and scowled at the woman. “I thought I told you to stay out of here!”

“Don’t worry angel, I’ll take care of this.” said Crowley, before turning his attention back to the woman and the officer. His next words came out in a low and threatening voice, almost a hiss. 

“Now lisssten here.” Crowley began taking slow deliberate steps forward, like a leopard approaching its prey just before pouncing. “Thesse snakes here are perfectly harmlessss, but  _ I’m not.  _ If either of you come back into this bookshop at all I will make sure it isss the lassst thing either of you do in your short, insignificant, mortal livesss. Apologize to my children and get  _ out  _ of here before I make sure you can only leave thisss place in a body bag.” 

The two humans were now completely pale and the lights in the room had dimmed to an eerie near darkness. They merely nodded in compliance but remained frozen in their spots. Aziraphale stood behind, also poised and ready just in case, though he was sure Crowley had a good handle on things. This was the snakelets first real conflict in their first two weeks of life, and he wanted to show them that both parents would always be there to defend them. 

“I’m sorry.” squeaked the officer, his voice nearly breaking at the end. 

“U-uh-uh hu. I’m sorry too!” blurted out the woman nervously. 

“Good.” hissed Crowley “Now  _ LEAVE.”  _

Without a moment’s hesitation, the two unfortunate humans scurried out of the bookshop as fast as their legs could take them. The lights slowly returned to normal and the malicious atmosphere lifted, leaving Crowley, Aziraphale, and the snakelets alone in harmony. They all let out a collective sigh of relief and then burst into a fit of laughter. 

The snakelets cheered in unison. 

“Oh you wily old serpent!” Aziraphale nearly purred as he pulled Crowley into his arms to steal a kiss. 

“I still got it.” replied Crowley rather smug and he returned the kiss. 

“You never lost it to begin with.” Aziraphale smiled gently. With a quick snap of his fingers the bookshop doors closed themselves, and the ‘open’ sign turned itself around to reveal the backside which said ‘closed’. 

“Bookshop is closed till tomorrow. We have plenty of free time on our hands.” Aziraphale’s eyebrows gave a playful wiggle and he quickly swooped in to steal another flirty kiss. 

Meanwhile the snakelets had begun murmuring and giggling to themselves as they watched their parents exchange an intimate moment. 

_ Father  _ ** _really _ ** _ loves Azirafather doesn’t he?  _

“Hey! Watch your manners!” snapped Crowley

Aziraphale turned his head to look at the habitat, the snakelets had begun to scatter into the moss after having been attentively pressed against the glass to watch in earnest. “What were they saying?” 

“Oh just nonsense.” Crowley turned his attention back to Aziraphale. “Come on angel, lets go snuggle in the back room away from innocent prying eyes.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway this was also written to balance out my ongoing series of angsty depression titled [Sushi!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20514812/chapters/48687728)  
Please read it if you like angst, God herself levels of slow burn, and self hatred. With iconic appearances by Aziraphale's collection of bow ties! Iced coffee! Dog! The Them! and a sunbathing snake Crowley!


End file.
